To know me is to LOVE me...

WARNING: This little stream of consciousness will be “deeper”, if you will, than any previous musings. So, tag along if you want to see a tiny piece of my soul…

Weighing heavily on my every thought is the impending move to New Orleans. September 6^th is the big day and it cannot come soon enough—though, I would also feel blissfully content if it takes forever or never comes at all. I was supposed to head down there in late June/early July, but that damn medical hiatus forced upon me prevented that from happening. I’m not going to lie, while being sick was a pain in the ass, I was relieved that the move could be put off, and I catch myself at random times every day wishing for ways to prolong it even more.

            My sure-fire way of dealing with anything uneasy is to ignore it. I am really good at pretending that everything is right in the world and at choosing how to feel about any given situation. Up until this summer, those methods have worked really well for me. But it’s a half existence. I guess what I’m trying to say is that everything has changed, and that little “c word” is the star of this post.

Sometimes, somebody else has said words that so completely capture our exact feelings. It may be a cop out, but what can ya do? This is perfect.

"It’s funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it… Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changed. That summer was mine." ~Sarah Dessen, That Summer.

I thought that summer for me was 2008- I had just come back from London after discovering myself and my inherent awesomeness, I turned 21, and I was preparing for the beginning of the end of my college career. I applied for the Peace Corps, and I thought I had it all figured out. Young and dumb. Then, I thought “that summer” was 2009. Everything really did change that summer, everything around me at least. I won’t go in to detail, but I’ll never get back the piece of me that was left there. It’s buried with the three remarkable women I lost. I’ve blocked out 2010 (as per my usual method). But this summer, 2011- it has been truly insightful. “That summer” has been this one.

I’m not naïve enough to believe that the changes I’m making are spontaneous, though I can credit their catalyst to one specific person. These changes have been a long time coming and sorely needed. I just hope everyone is on board with them because, true to fashion, I’ll be making them regardless of whom or what might want to stop me. Here’s a quick rundown of the tides that are a-turnin’ and the lessons I’ve only just begun to learn…

1. I can’t control everything, no matter how very much I want to. I couldn’t control my lung collapsing, nor the fact that I’m supposed to never scuba dive (though, I’ll end up doing it anyway—who really needs both lungs? Am I right?). I can’t control how people feel about me, or the things they do when I’m not around. I can’t even control how I feel about other people, especially when they are wholly unexpected and delightfully different from anything I’ve ever imagined. And I can’t do anything to the writers of TrueBlood who haven’t yet killed off Tara even though her character is supremely whiney and weak. You would think this is a lesson that could be learned by a 1^st grader--- but I’m stubborn and neurotic and I’m working on it. J
2. Courage is something that I have lacked for a very long time. I have always droned on and on about all the things I want to do and places I want to go, but thus far it’s all been just talk. Bullshit and talk. I’ve decided to grow a pair. I’m moving to New Orleans and I’m going to just do the damn thing. No more excuses, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more wishing I could be in two places at once. Doing amazing things requires sacrifices—and my sacrifice is to give up my ego in thinking that my friends and family can’t go on without me. Really, it’s I who will suffer without all of you. But… I’m working on it. J
3. It is ok to have fun. I don’t have to be “on point” all the time. I have been punishing myself for wasting my early adulthood completely wrapped up in a certain tool bag loser—and how have I been punishing myself? By wasting my 20s being wrapped up in the fact that I wasted my early adulthood. HAH! I want to be a stupid adolescent sometimes. I want that Hunter Thompson quote to be true for me (but maybe a little respectable, obvi): "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!" And I want to get a tattoo! (I know, I said I would never). This is the face of change people! Have fun… I’m working on it. J
4. I am a force of nature- I’ve always said it, but now I know that I need to cool it. I don’t have to force my will upon everyone (I guess this kind of goes with number 1) and everybody doesn’t have to see or do things the same way that I do. #MelissaYouAreNOTTheEndAllBeAllofEverything… I’m working on it. J
5. It’s ok to open up. I am a hardass, to most people anyway. And on the inside, I truly feel what I convey. But, occasionally I let a few people slip in. And it’s ok. And I should let it happen more often. The wall recently came crumbling down around me with a resounding crash. As expected, with my defenses weakened, I got hurt.  But I’m fine, and it actually felt good because I finally felt something. Melissa and emotions haven’t mixed well in the past, so I started to build the wall again. Fortunately, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to leave it only half constructed. Because its destruction didn’t just leave me open for invasion, it unleashed a part of me that I didn’t know existed. This part of me is a stranger. She’s a mess. She’s emotional and needy and (gasp) a girl… but letting her breathe feels nice. She needs to learn some self-control and maturity, but I think we’ll find a harmonious balance. And best of all, she loves. But that’s a post for another day. Letting people actually know me… I’m working on it. J
6. Patience. This is the hardest one. I’ve never had patience. Not with other people, or situations or even myself. I want everything to happen now and quickly. It’s absurd, really. And it’s another not-so-charmingly adolescent quality of mine. I guess patience is so hard for me because I’m scared of the end result. But, I need not be impatient with the pace of change. To let things happen naturally is right and beautiful. It may not all come out the way I desire, but I’ll be better for it. I CAN wait. I WILL be waiting…

I've recently felt so burdensome to a good number of people in my life- hence all of this reflective droning. I hate that feeling. I want to be a joy, not a hassle. However, a very good, even if sometimes-absent, friend spelled it out for me. I think I can come to terms with this... she said: {I don't think people are compelled to actively clear their lives in order to accommodate you. I think it's more that you give a LARGE dose of yourself (in a good way), and people don't want to half-ass you into their lives because it seems unfair. The give and take needs to be equal.} I hope that's true.

Being this intense all the time is exhausting. Of my six sweet little “works in progress,” I think I should focus on having fun for the time being. If I can just let go… then maybe the others will follow. Stand by… let me know if any of this progress is actually occurring or if I’m just completely delusional. Hah! CHEERS!